Cause I’ve been through some shit too, you know… Just like everybody else. And this is why I’ve been gone for the majority of last year.
It’ll be almost nine years since me and a few people started a thing that would later become this monster known as Your Dead Partner or, in the later years, just YDP. The story about how this become what it is is uninteresting – All of this means nothing and we/I never did anything significant for the world. Let’s just say that there was a brief hype around YDP in 2016 and from that moment on, everything went fine for us. People were reading… People were interested… And I admit it’s a bit challenging to write about music in this timeframe. You got music on demand and the end-consumer doesn’t really need music blogs anymore to tell him/her what to think about this new release by this up and coming Pop star from you-name-it. I know that I never needed something like this in my life. I purchased a Czech music magazine once and it was full of biased shit.
Maybe that’s what kept YDP going in the first place… Being different. And slightly boring.
Who the hell is YDP anyway? Is it a person? A collective? A plane?! To be honest, I have no idea anymore. It doesn’t really matter. We somehow turned the most stupid name for a webzine into something remotely recognizable. “YDP? I heard something about that!” was all to my surprise a phrase that I got confronted with quite regularly in the recent times. No matter if I attended showcase festivals in the Czech Republic or club shows in Sweden.
And last year, this site was living up to its name. It was dead. Tot. Död. Мертвый.
We reviewed just a small fraction of records than planned. The shows I shot were next to nothing and I have no idea what happened. Or… Let’s say that I have an idea what happened, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it without feeling like a pathetic loser who pops anti-anxiety meds like candy. Maybe I already said too much.
I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work in the field that I studied. Those who know me know and I don’t really like talking about myself. Let’s say that I spend my days hanging around photo studios. You do not need to know more. I travel a lot between someplace in Austria and Munich and I’ve been thinking about finally moving to the latter recently.
I’d like to think that this fact contributed to why things weren’t really working out for YDP in 2018. It didn’t.
Lack of motivation? No. Lack of time? Not that either. A combination of both? I have no idea.
I realized that I’m scared of doing things that I used to live up for. I am fucking scared of communicating sometimes. It takes me ages to compose simple mails and send them out – Sometimes I’m scared to death of doing that. I mean, come on… I’m only going to bother the recipient with the sole presence of my mail… It takes me ages to reply. I know it’s rude, but it usually means that I’m just scared of talking to you and I’m sorry for that. Last year introduced me to new levels of anxiety I haven’t known before.
A thought about having to get up on my days off to keep up with this site exhausted me. The thought of having to write something intellectually stimulating exhausted me. The thought of listening to music and writing about it exhausted me. The thought of attending and taking photographs at concerts exhausted me – I was always extremely scared of crowds, but something made this fear even bigger. I couldn’t control the fact that things that I used to enjoy were becoming more and more stressful to me…
These issues were always here. Ever since I can remember. For more than five years. I never really cared until recently where even simple things like these just represented a huge task.
But enough of my whining. I think you can paint yourself an image why things just didn’t work out the way we planned them in 2018.
I’ll try to focus more on YDP again. I’ll try to take it in a different direction, try to add a more personal touch into all of this – Ordinary album reviews bore the shit outta me. Let’s add some more tongue-in-cheek humor that I’m known for on my personal blog on a rather unknown platform… Let’s bite through some shows again… Let’s talk more about personal things… Just like I’m doing now…
It’ll take time and maybe I’ll never get into it ever again. I do not know. Nobody knows.
The only thing I want you to know is… I don’t hate you.
I’m a full-time art bitch and a part-time nihilist who likes music and fashion more than her own life and is only able to feel genuine happiness when purchasing a designer handbag, or something…
Writing this brings me to the question of why the hell am I even trying? Why the hell am I even telling everybody? But on the other hand I feel that I need to say something… Do some explaining… Even though there’s nothing to explain.
And I know that everything I said is pretty much all over the place, not making any sense, not being relevant.
YDP will continue being the world’s most pretentious and self-absorbed asshole of a music blog that has the nerve to say that it’s cool, even though it knows that it should better stop trying for the best of all of us.
That’s what YDP is about.
That’s what I am about.
But I never said that I am YDP… Or am I?
For now, I’d like to thank all people who still care. You know who you are. 🌹
From Germany with Love,